i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
