Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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