So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think my fart just growled at me.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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