Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
