P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
cat food counts as protein by the way
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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