Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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