i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
