The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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