Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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