sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
