I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
