Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
