This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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