You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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