I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Drunk is not a location!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
