this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
