I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
