she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
