Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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