she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
