Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
