She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
