so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
