I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
