Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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