When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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