Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
