There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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