i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
