Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
