So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
