3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
