You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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