I think scott just propositioned me for sex
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's shark week go big or go home
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
