Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
There's always time for handjobs
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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