this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
