Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
