Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
