Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
