can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
