the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
