My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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