I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
