Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
