Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
