I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
