This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
