I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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