the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize