Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
