her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
