Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
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ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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