please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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