Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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