Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just forgot I was standing up.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
