My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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