So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
