6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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